Daily Laughter

Make Money

2009-04-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

##CONTINUE##"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Fall in Love

2009-04-28T06:04:00.000-07:00

Girl, Please Fall in Love with Me
After the self-study class at night, I opened the computer. I sorted out the male net friends to the Frog Concentration Camp and several unlovely girls I’ve seen to the Dinosaur Concentration Camp. Then I began chatting with the three girls left.
Me: Honey, let’s fall in love!
Talented girl: OK. Are you a Party member?
Me: No, I’m not.
Talented girl: Are you a League member?
Me: Well, no.
Talented girl: Well, are you a member of China Young Pioneers?
Me: I used to be one many years ago. But why do you bother asking such questions?
Talented girl: Then I can’t promise you. At all events, I’m the team leader of our class.
…
##CONTINUE##Recalling the painful experience, I still have two girls to chat with.
Me: Girl, let’s fall in love!
Lonely girl: Good. After all, I can fall in love.
Me: Well, didn’t you love someone before?
Lonely girl: No. They always said I was a dinosaur.
Me: Umm, in this case, we’d better break up at the moment.
Lonely girl: No, I don’t agree. It’s my first love…
55555555555…
Now the last girl left, I would especially cherish her.
Me: Girl, don’t you want to fall in love with me?
Jiaojiao: I think it’s OK, but I’d like to ask for my father’s advice.
Me: My God! You asked your father this kind of thing? You surely don’t have your own definite idea!
Jiaojiao: It’s not like that. I am just 5 years old and haven’t learnt to type. It is my father who types for me.
Me: …
Then I said: Hello, uncle.

An Energetic Wife

2009-04-28T06:03:00.000-07:00

Neighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?

Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.

Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?

Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat.

A perfect son

2009-04-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son.How old is he ?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

A Smart Housewife

2009-04-21T05:57:00.002-07:00

A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning.

She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"

Do You Know me?

2009-04-21T05:57:00.001-07:00

Boy: Isn't the principal a dummy?
Girl: Say, do you know who I am?
Boy: No.
Girl: I'm the principal's daughter.
Boy: And do you know who I am?
Girl: No.
Boy: Thanks goodness.

Something Really Cheap

2009-04-21T05:56:00.001-07:00

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?", he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

"That's a bit much", said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit", Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

##CONTINUE##"What I mean", said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

We Left Nothing

2009-04-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING."

When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:

##CONTINUE##"THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!"

Keys? Kiss?

2009-04-16T04:54:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the keys." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. ##CONTINUE##Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the keys." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.

Lucky Mother

2009-04-16T04:53:00.000-07:00

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.

##CONTINUE##Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"

Present for Girlfriend

2009-04-16T04:52:00.000-07:00

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.

##CONTINUE##The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it 'To my one and only love'. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."

Beyond Tolerance

2009-04-16T04:51:00.000-07:00

The doorbell rang and Mrs. Carson opened the front door. Her heart sank when she saw Mrs. Burbidge. Whenever Mrs. Burbidge called, she stayed for hours and hours.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Carson," Mrs. Burbidge said, "I was just passing, and I thought I'd drop in to say hello."
"How very thoughtful of you," Mrs. Carson replied. "Do come in."
Just as Mrs. Carson had feared, Mrs. Burbidge stayed for several hours. It was nearly six o'clock, and Mr. Carson would be home from work soon. He couldn't stand Mrs. Burbidge. So Mrs. Carson kept wondering how she could persuade Mrs. Burbidge to leave without offending her.
##CONTINUE##"Has your husband come home from work yet?" Mrs. Carson asked.
"Oh, yes," Mrs. Burbidge answered. "He always gets home about five o'clock."
"It's nearly six o'clock. Won't he be getting worried about you?" Mrs. Carson said.
"I thought of that," Mrs. Burbidge said, "but it's so pleasant here. We've had such a lovely afternoon. You know what I'll do? I'll ring up my husband and tell him to come here, too. May I use your phone please?"

A Problem in Arithmetic

2009-04-12T06:59:00.000-07:00

Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.

One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.

"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.
"Six for five cents."
"But I don't want six apples."
"How many apples do you want?"
"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic."
"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.
##CONTINUE##"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."
Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.

How a chick gets in to its eggs

2009-04-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

One day, a teacher took his pupils to a chicken farm to pay a visit. When they came near the incubator, chick just got out of its egg shell.

"It's wonderful to see a little thing come out from the egg shell, isn't it？" the teacher said.

##CONTINUE##"Yes, sir." said one of the boys, " but it would be more wonderful if we knew how a chick gets in to its eggs hell before hand."

Alligator shoes

2009-04-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
##CONTINUE##The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Bush and Rice

2009-04-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

Conversation Between Bush and Rice
BACKGROUND: Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Let's hear it.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
##CONTINUE##George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinese!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: Call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Condi: Kofi?
George: All right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.

The World's Greatest Swordsman

2009-04-09T06:32:00.000-07:00

At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.

##CONTINUE##His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."

Quick Reaction

2009-04-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly. During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see that hill over there?"

##CONTINUE##"Yes, sir." he replied.

"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?" Again, the soldier said that he could. "Well, then," the commander went on, "Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?"

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted. "No, sir," he said, "but I can hear it is singing."

He got the job.

How Did You Ever Get Here

2009-04-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

##CONTINUE##The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

An Old Couple's Quarrel

2009-04-09T06:27:00.000-07:00

A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."

"I'm willing," said the other.

##CONTINUE##"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."

"I'll be there."

"And I'll law the hell!"

"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.

Charge for Bread and Butter

2009-04-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

For bread and butter
A few years ago, my father, a lawyer, took me to a fancy restaurant now in York City. When the bill, it was $ 1.50 for the bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the cost of bread and butter. But the next day he sent a letter to the restaurant, that the indictment was inappropriate. Enclosed in an envelope is a bill of $ 500 in legal services.

##CONTINUE##Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."

Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."
The $1.50 was returned without delay.

Roses for My Wife

2009-04-06T23:23:00.000-07:00

On the way home one night, I spotted some freshly cut roses outside a flower shop. After selection of a dozen, and enter the shop, I was of a young saleswoman.

"Are these for your wife, sir?" she asked.
"Yes," I said.
##CONTINUE##"For her birthday?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"For your unniversary?"
"No," I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, "I hope she forgives you."

Napoleon Was Ill

2009-04-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

Jack was at university to study history, but at the end of its first year of her history teacher is not in its investigation, and he said he would have to leave the university. But his father decided he was going to go see the professor for the urge to let Jack continue his studies next year.

"He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."

##CONTINUE##"No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!"

"Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."

About Three Whistles

2009-04-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray.

##CONTINUE##"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."

Acting Like a Lady

2009-04-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.

##CONTINUE##"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"
"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

Three Surgeons

2009-04-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist." "That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."

"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the
##CONTINUE##scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."

Hiding from you

2009-03-31T02:23:00.000-07:00

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman:Hiding from you.

Closer the ground than you

2009-03-31T02:19:00.000-07:00

Teacher:Tommy,why do you always get so dirty?

Tommy:Well,I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Wrong number

2009-03-31T02:16:00.000-07:00

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour,and then she hung up.

"Wow!" said her father,"That was short.You usually talk for 2 hours.What happened?"

"Wrong number,"replied the girl.

Things are Fine

2009-03-29T03:12:00.000-07:00

A young couple were always concerned about her four year old son who has not yet spoken. She took him to specialists, but doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly out, "Mommy, it burns the toast."

"You, you!" Cried his mother. "I am very happy! But why had the time?"

"Well, so far," the boy said, "things are fine."

Father's Things

2009-03-29T03:08:00.000-07:00

When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.

Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.

One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.

Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"

"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.

"And that shirt's mine too."

"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.

"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.

"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"

Various sectors proverb

2009-03-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

A good anvil does not fear the hammer.

The cobbler's wife is the worst shod.

Such carpenters ,such chips.

Cut the coat according to the cloth.

As a man sows,so shallhe reap.

The best fish swim near the bottom.

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

All is grist that comes to his mill.

All is not gold that glitters.

A boisterous horse must have a rough bridle.

Make hay while the sunshine.

A stich in time saves nine.

I could count on you!

2009-03-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

Smith goes to see his boss in the front office. "Boss," he says: "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage."
"We're short-handed, Smith." the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Never Mind

2009-03-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had in his car. "You've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, the brake pedal! He cried.

But before the police investigation can, the phone rang a second time "It does not matter," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I have in the back by mistake."

Some of the characters attached to the bedside

2009-03-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

Eat more roughage;

Do more than others expect you to do and do it pains;

Remember what life tells you;

Don't take to heart every thing you hear.

Don't spend all that you have.

Don't sleep as long as you want;

Bedtime prayer

2009-03-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

Julie leaf to do at bedtime prayer. "God, beg you," she said, "Let Naples became the capital of Italy it."

Her mother interrupted by saying: "Juliet, why is God so that Naples became the capital of Italy then?"

Juliet replied: "Since my papers on the geographical are written in this way."

Satisfied

2009-03-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

Q: Who is more satisfied,a man with $1m,or a man with 6 children?

A: The man with 6 children.The man with $1m wants more.

Do not know her

2009-03-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

A couple walking in the park and found a pair of young men and women sitting on a bench, kissing emotion.

"Why do not you then do?" His wife said.

"Darling," the husband replied, "I do not recognize that woman!"

Funny formula

2009-03-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

The key to success

2009-03-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

One day a father taught his son and said: "The key to your success, you are your word, and wisdom. If you have a promise to someone, you must question what is going to pass. That's what "respect for the expression. "

"What is wisdom? Asked his son. "

The wisdom is that you will never be such a commitment," said the father.

Bad luck

2009-03-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

Boy: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

Girl: Nah,it was plain bad luck!

Cute name

2009-03-20T06:51:00.000-07:00

Bernie was asked his friend's house for dinner. Morris, the host, before each request to his wife for love of conditions in their Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweet Heart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and said: "It's really beautiful, that after all these years you are married, and you ask your wife PET behalf. "Morris was the head and whispered:" To tell the truth, I gave him the name three years ago. "

Honest

2009-03-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

Two small boys who are not yet old enough for school, were at the zoo Overhead spoke one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" Asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My dad is an accountant. What is your Dad to make a living? "Billy asked. Tommy replied:" My father is a lawyer. "" Really? "Billy asked." No, just the regular kind, "said Tommy.

Marry any one of them

2009-03-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

One day a young girl and her friend said to his father wants to marry. After using him for a while, he said to his daughter that she can not do because it's half-brother. The same problem arises even more than four times! The girl begins to happier. He goes to his mother and said, "Mom ... What you've done your whole life? Dad since almost every girl, with the city and now I can not marry or five other guys that I like, because they already on my half brothers! "
His mother replied: "Do not worry, my love, you can marry one of them would like, it's not really your father."

Adam and Eve

2009-03-19T06:28:00.002-07:00

One day, Adam Saturdays outside the Garden of Eden just after the apple, and ask for the men and women. Well, looks up into the sky, he says: "Excuse me, God, I would like to ask you some questions?"

God replied: "To Adam, but quickly. I have to create a world."

Adam then said: "If you have created Eve, why did you her body so curvy and offers rich, in contrast to my own?"

"I've done Adam, so that you like.

"Oh, well, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I have that Adam so that you like.

"Oh, well, why did you so stupid?" Surely not, so I love him? "

"Well Adam, No. I did, so she loves you."

Looking for a companion

2009-03-19T06:28:00.001-07:00

A Bachelor asked the computer to find his perfect mate: "I wanted a companion, is small and cute, like water and sports Activities appreciated. "

Back has the answer: "Marry a penguin."

A Tough Teacher

2009-03-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

A teacher of my friends injurred back and had a plaster to the upper part of the body. For his first Day of the word, always with the troops under his shirt, it was to teach the unruly class. Stepping confidence the noise in the classroom, he opened the window as far as possible. Only then a strong breeze made his tie flap. Experiments, the bars, He has a blackboard rubber hammer and a large turning capacity by its tie in his chest.

yoga temperance law

2009-03-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

John life such as alcohol, the doctors advised him to take yoga temperance law.

After several days, the doctor met his wife to ask her husband how to do.

"Doctor, very bad, and now he could drink stand too!"

Speeding

2009-03-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

Voyager sellers earn their living as the visit by many customers as possible. The excessive speed, a date for the next one is not uncommon. Who is how I ordered on the highway by a patrol boat. "They are not looking for speed? Agent crash. Before I knew the truth of my mouth." As soon as I am, "I admitted," I was afraid my eyes off the road. "

A Trip to Disney

2009-03-18T06:54:00.000-07:00

On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children for us quite on the wonders of this attraction.

After three days we met, in the direction of country of origin. As we went away, our son waved and said, "Good-bye, Mickey."

Our daughter waved too and said, "Good-bye, Minnie.

My husband was rather low, and said, "Good-bye, money."

Health Check

2009-03-17T07:01:00.000-07:00

After health check-ups, Mr. Chen asked doctors to check his sperm count has not decreased the number of doctors give him a sealed glass jar, it is necessary to go home loaded him bring some samples.

The next day, Mr. Chen then, doctors have found the glass jaris still empty. Mr. Chen has noodle color ashamed to say: "Doctor! My old! Last night my first test with his right hand for a long time, there is no movement; me to switch to the left, or to no avail. I called my wife to help, She is also the two hands are tests, there is no use. I told her to use their mouths, but still no improvement. "Doctor hear flushing of the face.

Mr. Chen still went on to say: "just the cousin came to my house to gifts, she younger, I would ask her to help. She is also the first hand, and then his mouth, very hard!"

Doctor: "Will she to do?"

Mr. Chen: "She is very happy ah! But that does not work! So I come to you. Can be Yes. . . "

Doctor: "But what?"

Mr. Chen: "But... The glass jar is not open!"

Come here every day

2009-03-17T06:53:00.000-07:00

One day a judge asked a thief in the court,"Are you not ashamed to come to the court almost every month?"

The thief replied,"What about you? You should be ashamed sir,you come here every day!"

A Hasty Interruption

2009-03-17T06:51:00.000-07:00

The end furniture store where I work, has in the economy since the 1920s. Recently, I received a call from a woman who wanted some chairs Dining Set purchased from us in the 1930s. I have ensured that we could help and assistance of the Office Manager. "They never believe that a" 'I said. "I come from a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s."

Before I could repeat the end of his request, he interrupted and said: "Do not tell me it has not yet received!"

Endearing terms

2009-03-17T06:49:00.000-07:00

Bernie was invited to the house of his friend for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request submitted to his wife by endearing words permanent Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie Morris examined and noted, "It's really good that after all these years that you have been connected, and stay with your wife, the pet name. "Morris hung his head and muttered:" To tell the truth, I have his name three years ago. "

The difference

2009-03-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

A boy asks his dad the difference between confident and confidential.

Dad says."You are my son,I'm confident.Your friend is also my son,that's confidential!"

True blonde

2009-03-16T06:55:00.001-07:00

A young brunette is in the office of the doctor and says that his body hurt, wherever they touched. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

It takes his finger and push and screams of pain. You jauchzte and his knee, and ankle jauchzte and so on, anywhere, it is a crisis is squawk. The doctor said: "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says: "No, I am a blonde." I thought, "he says." Your finger is broken. "

3 Sick Soldiers

2009-03-16T06:52:00.000-07:00

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes back to one private and asked, "What is your problem, Sol dier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you marketing,"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir! "
" What is your ambition? "
" To return to the front lines, Sir! "
" Goodman! "said the Major. He goes to the next bed." What is your problem, Sol dier, "
" Chronic piles, Sir! "
" What treatment are you marketing, "
" Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Mr "
" What 's your ambition? "" To return to the front lines, Sir! "
" Goodman! "said the Major. He goes to the next bed." What is your problem, Sol dier? "
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you marketing,"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day , Sir! "
" What 's your ambition? "
" To go to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two, Sir! "

Do you Want to know the woman's 32 secret?(2)

2009-03-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

17.Women are paid less than men,except for one field:Modeling.

18.Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility.

19.Women do not know anything about cars,even if they drive car themselves.

20.Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.

21.Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

22.Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girl friend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

23. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

24.Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question,"How do I look?"

25."Oh,nothing,"has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

26.All women will say that they are over weight, but don't agree with them about it.

27.Only women understand the need for "guest towels" and the "good china".

28.Women want equal centers, but you rarely hear them clamoring to cover the responsibilities that go with those centers.

29.Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

30.Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guydespiteclaims to the contrary.

31.Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men;women will always catch menc hecking out other women.

32.The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.

(End)

Do you Want to know the woman's 32 secret?(1)

2009-03-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

1.Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

2.Women especially love a bargain.

3.Women love to shop. It is the only area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

4.Women will always ask questions that have no center answers,in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

5.Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

6.Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.

7.Women hate bugs. Even the strong -willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

8.Women can't keep secrets.

9.Women always go to public rest rooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

10.Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing.

11.Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

12.Women think all beer is the same.

13.Women keep three different shampoos in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

14.Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

15. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice;if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 out fits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

16.Women brush their hair before bed.

Next to continue...

Bad news and good news

2009-03-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

An artist asked the gallery when he had an interest in his paintings is currently on the screen. "I have good news and bad news," replied the owner. "The good news is that a gentleman asked about your work and wondered if the amount after death. If I said to him, he would, he bought all fifteen of your photos."

"It's wonderful!" the artist said: "What is the bad news?". With concern, the gallery said, "The man was your doctor."

Poisonous snakes

2009-03-15T06:37:00.000-07:00

A father and son snake are not a beautiful afternoon Slither. The son asks, "Dad, are we poisonous snakes?" The father replies proudly: "Yes, son, we rattler snakes! Why ask my son?" "Because DAD, I bit my tongue!"

It worked

2009-03-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

Tom had this problem until late in the morning and was always late for work. Its leader was angry against him, and threatened to dismiss him if it does not do something. Thus, Tom to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him, her, before going to bed. Tom slept well, and indeed, the alarm signal in the morning. He had a breakfast and joy at work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill actually works!"

"All is well," said the chief, "But where were you yesterday?"

Want a day off

2009-03-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

Smith, to see his supervisor in the Front Office. "Boss," he says, "we are doing some serious house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to the attic and the garage, move and drag stuff." "We are the hands, Smith" the boss replies. "I can not give you the date from." "Thank you boss," says Smith: "I knew I could!"

Parking Expenses

2009-03-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

A businessman entered a bank in New York City and asked the loan officer. He said he went to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $ 5000. The loan officer at the bank would need a security for a loan. The businessman then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. All verified and accepted the loan officer of the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked there.

Two weeks later, a businessman refunded the 5000 $ and the interest shown at $ 15.41. Agent stated: "We thank you for your business and this has worked very well, but we are a little perplexed. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multi millionaire. What a headache is the reason why we 5000 $ borrow trouble? "

The businessman replied: "Who else in New York can I park my car for 2 weeks for $ 15?"

500-year-old statue

2009-03-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

Museum administrator:That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken.

John:Thank God! I thought it was a new one.

Who Should be Given the Present?

2009-03-14T06:51:00.000-07:00

A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present.
"Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?" he inquired.
There was silence and then a chorus of voices: "You play with it, Daddy!"

The Wrong Email

2009-03-14T06:49:00.000-07:00

A Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREAST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
　　P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

BATHROOMS

2009-03-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

man and woman

2009-03-13T06:44:00.000-07:00

Wife:You tell a man something,and then it will go in one ear and come out of the other.

Husband:You tell a woman something,and then it will go in both ears and come out of the mouth.

Renounces the engagement

2009-03-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

A: "Why do you need to compose in reply a Mr. Zhang dissolution of engagement "?

Second: But "yesterday we went to practise physiognomy , that the fortune-teller criticizes me was able to give birth to two children, criticizing him but may grow four. You think about. He has been two children more , whom to have been unprocessed with"?

Doctor and patient's dialog

2009-03-13T06:17:00.000-07:00

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

I can't read

2009-03-13T02:22:00.000-07:00

A man was having his eyes tested at the optician's office.The optician asked him to point to a test card.

"Can you read that?"

"No." said the man.

The optician moved the chart closer:"Now can you read it?"

"No." said the man.

The optician moved the chart even closer:"Surly you can read it now?"

"No," said the man."I can't read."

Dating for mother

2009-03-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he.

One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"

"Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.

"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"

Fishy Story

2009-03-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwardthey're just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other. The phone rings, and because it's the woman's house,she reaches over and picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

She is speaking in a cheery voice. " Hello? Oh, hi! SO glad you　called. Really. That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks! Okay. Buh-bye."

She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, " that was my husband telling me what　a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

The Looney Bin

2009-03-12T05:16:00.000-07:00

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Psychiatrist

2009-03-12T05:10:00.000-07:00

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

New job

2009-03-12T05:02:00.000-07:00

A salesman,tired of his job,gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later,a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well,"he replied,"the pay is good and the hours aren't bad,but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Get angry

2009-03-12T04:57:00.000-07:00

Patient:Doctor,you must help me.I'm under such a lot of stress.I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor:Tell me about your problem.

Patient:Ijust did,stupid!

High technology

2009-03-12T01:22:00.000-07:00

The high technology of one silicon grain computer company has got a not yet open secret formula confidentially , the boss just has handed it over being studied by four engineers who come to Germany , Japan , USA and Taiwanese respectively.

After having spent a week, the boss calls together for report the what one has learned from work studying coming them.

The Germany engineer the first says first: "My already clear .know about entire frame, that the ability proper motion exploitation with our company responds to is not a problem ".

The Japan engineer proceed to report: "I have written down the boss Fu solemnly , have studied entire design carefully , have discovered the thing having quite a few not bad plagiarize, add in our formula , believe in to the company help that can have a maximum if giving reform again".

The USA engineer says then with a look of disinclination: "I have a good news and a bad news , good news is that I break the password protection having untied the entire key technology. Bad news be but have also destroyed entire formula ".

The boss hears a word being greatly frightened: "How-To! This formula only have a portion!

Think that everybody is all racking one's brains when the field tentative plan rescues way , see that the Taiwan engineer still makes the waste land talk composing self angry laughing at only freely, boss just ask his road of solving for advice.

The Taiwan engineer says very calmly: It's all right that "this! I make it for a long time having become the large benefit note , you want to have several set several set right away".

Advertising fee

2009-03-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

Have one married woman arrive at the newspaper office advertising department, essential points presses a segment of obituary culture down , she criticizes a husband having just died.

Which one kind of obituary culture do "you need to press down? The adman asks about.

"Do what you like well ". The red eye replies a married woman.

Be in version 5 "then with regard to publication. The adman suggests saying: "We are according to charge for inch, 5 yuan per inch".

"My God, is that to need to cost a large sum of money wouldn't it"? The married woman be shocked at the field saying "my husband has growing 6 chis 5 inches!

Passenger

2009-03-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

Passenger having shortsightedness, when roaming about on the river bank , the character seeing that central authority erects a piece of brand , unfortunate centre is unable to see clearly.

Curious he, is forced to take off a shoes , one fishes for be written on idea brand what actually happened in paddling to the river:

We Need Eggs

2009-03-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

A man runs to the doctor and says,"Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks,"How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years,"says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"asked the doctor.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies,"We needed the eggs."

Honesty

2009-03-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he' dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile,We better throw this one out too then,
because it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

I work for 7up

2009-03-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins."

The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers."

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.

They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

Only cash and credit cards

2009-03-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

　 When a man called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depend on room size and number of people.

　 " Do you take children?" the man asked.

　 "No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."

A Smart Housewife

2009-03-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

Astute one housewife listens to person say the coal having one kind of furnace to use being able to compete with each other in the furnace province halves that she uses now.

That she has listened to is extremely excited , says: "That That good! Can a furnace save the halves coal , being not able to coal be all saved down right away then if I buy two furnaces ?

Anniversary

2009-03-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

A married couple goes out to eat celebrate fifty anniversary get married souvenir of them.

In the Go home on the way, she pays attention to arriving at him being containing a tear in self's eyes , ask him that if is sad thereupon they celebrate 50 together happy times.

His answer says: "No, my days in thinking that we are premarital. Your father uses gun to bully I , speak if I do not marry you, he is able to send me to enter a jail crouching 50 ".

Stopover

2009-03-11T12:24:00.000-07:00

I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices.

"Airfare to Denver is $300," the cheery salesperson replied. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake -- $99," she said. "But there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"In Denver," she said.

Very stupid robbers

2009-03-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?

2009-03-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

　　Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor? " "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

　　"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
　　
"Thanks be to..."

　　Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

　　"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

The best answer

2009-03-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

Talking clock

2009-03-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

The Bait

2009-03-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were on a holiday.Theywent for a sail. Unfortunately the wife fell overboard and was drowned. The man asked the pier-master to let him know if her body was found.

Two weeks later he received a wire saying: "Body recovered yesterday covered with crabs. Send instructions." The man sent a wire back saying, "Sell crabs, send the money; reset bait."