Hiding from you

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman:Hiding from you.

Closer the ground than you

Teacher:Tommy,why do you always get so dirty?

Tommy:Well,I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Wrong number

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour,and then she hung up.

"Wow!" said her father,"That was short.You usually talk for 2 hours.What happened?"

"Wrong number,"replied the girl.

Things are Fine

A young couple were always concerned about her four year old son who has not yet spoken. She took him to specialists, but doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly out, "Mommy, it burns the toast."

"You, you!" Cried his mother. "I am very happy! But why had the time?"

"Well, so far," the boy said, "things are fine."

Father's Things

When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.

Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.

One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.

Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"

"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.

"And that shirt's mine too."

"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.

"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.

"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"

Various sectors proverb

A good anvil does not fear the hammer.

The cobbler's wife is the worst shod.

Such carpenters ,such chips.

Cut the coat according to the cloth.

As a man sows,so shallhe reap.

The best fish swim near the bottom.

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

All is grist that comes to his mill.

All is not gold that glitters.

A boisterous horse must have a rough bridle.

Make hay while the sunshine.

A stich in time saves nine.

I could count on you!

Smith goes to see his boss in the front office. "Boss," he says: "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage."
"We're short-handed, Smith." the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Never Mind

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had in his car. "You've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, the brake pedal! He cried.

But before the police investigation can, the phone rang a second time "It does not matter," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I have in the back by mistake."

Some of the characters attached to the bedside

Eat more roughage;

Do more than others expect you to do and do it pains;

Remember what life tells you;

Don't take to heart every thing you hear.

Don't spend all that you have.

Don't sleep as long as you want;

Bedtime prayer

Julie leaf to do at bedtime prayer. "God, beg you," she said, "Let Naples became the capital of Italy it."

Her mother interrupted by saying: "Juliet, why is God so that Naples became the capital of Italy then?"

Juliet replied: "Since my papers on the geographical are written in this way."

Satisfied

Q: Who is more satisfied,a man with $1m,or a man with 6 children?

A: The man with 6 children.The man with $1m wants more.

Do not know her

A couple walking in the park and found a pair of young men and women sitting on a bench, kissing emotion.

"Why do not you then do?" His wife said.

"Darling," the husband replied, "I do not recognize that woman!"

Funny formula

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

The key to success

One day a father taught his son and said: "The key to your success, you are your word, and wisdom. If you have a promise to someone, you must question what is going to pass. That's what "respect for the expression. "

"What is wisdom? Asked his son. "

The wisdom is that you will never be such a commitment," said the father.

Bad luck

Boy: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

Girl: Nah,it was plain bad luck!

Cute name

Bernie was asked his friend's house for dinner. Morris, the host, before each request to his wife for love of conditions in their Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweet Heart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and said: "It's really beautiful, that after all these years you are married, and you ask your wife PET behalf. "Morris was the head and whispered:" To tell the truth, I gave him the name three years ago. "

Honest

Two small boys who are not yet old enough for school, were at the zoo Overhead spoke one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" Asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My dad is an accountant. What is your Dad to make a living? "Billy asked. Tommy replied:" My father is a lawyer. "" Really? "Billy asked." No, just the regular kind, "said Tommy.

Marry any one of them

One day a young girl and her friend said to his father wants to marry. After using him for a while, he said to his daughter that she can not do because it's half-brother. The same problem arises even more than four times! The girl begins to happier. He goes to his mother and said, "Mom ... What you've done your whole life? Dad since almost every girl, with the city and now I can not marry or five other guys that I like, because they already on my half brothers! "
His mother replied: "Do not worry, my love, you can marry one of them would like, it's not really your father."

Adam and Eve

One day, Adam Saturdays outside the Garden of Eden just after the apple, and ask for the men and women. Well, looks up into the sky, he says: "Excuse me, God, I would like to ask you some questions?"

God replied: "To Adam, but quickly. I have to create a world."

Adam then said: "If you have created Eve, why did you her body so curvy and offers rich, in contrast to my own?"

"I've done Adam, so that you like.

"Oh, well, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I have that Adam so that you like.

"Oh, well, why did you so stupid?" Surely not, so I love him? "

"Well Adam, No. I did, so she loves you."

Looking for a companion

A Bachelor asked the computer to find his perfect mate: "I wanted a companion, is small and cute, like water and sports Activities appreciated. "

Back has the answer: "Marry a penguin."

A Tough Teacher

A teacher of my friends injurred back and had a plaster to the upper part of the body. For his first Day of the word, always with the troops under his shirt, it was to teach the unruly class. Stepping confidence the noise in the classroom, he opened the window as far as possible. Only then a strong breeze made his tie flap. Experiments, the bars, He has a blackboard rubber hammer and a large turning capacity by its tie in his chest.

yoga temperance law

John life such as alcohol, the doctors advised him to take yoga temperance law.

After several days, the doctor met his wife to ask her husband how to do.

"Doctor, very bad, and now he could drink stand too!"

Speeding

Voyager sellers earn their living as the visit by many customers as possible. The excessive speed, a date for the next one is not uncommon. Who is how I ordered on the highway by a patrol boat. "They are not looking for speed? Agent crash. Before I knew the truth of my mouth." As soon as I am, "I admitted," I was afraid my eyes off the road. "

A Trip to Disney

On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children for us quite on the wonders of this attraction.

After three days we met, in the direction of country of origin. As we went away, our son waved and said, "Good-bye, Mickey."

Our daughter waved too and said, "Good-bye, Minnie.

My husband was rather low, and said, "Good-bye, money."

Health Check

After health check-ups, Mr. Chen asked doctors to check his sperm count has not decreased the number of doctors give him a sealed glass jar, it is necessary to go home loaded him bring some samples.

The next day, Mr. Chen then, doctors have found the glass jaris still empty. Mr. Chen has noodle color ashamed to say: "Doctor! My old! Last night my first test with his right hand for a long time, there is no movement; me to switch to the left, or to no avail. I called my wife to help, She is also the two hands are tests, there is no use. I told her to use their mouths, but still no improvement. "Doctor hear flushing of the face.

Mr. Chen still went on to say: "just the cousin came to my house to gifts, she younger, I would ask her to help. She is also the first hand, and then his mouth, very hard!"

Doctor: "Will she to do?"

Mr. Chen: "She is very happy ah! But that does not work! So I come to you. Can be Yes. . . "

Doctor: "But what?"

Mr. Chen: "But... The glass jar is not open!"

Come here every day

One day a judge asked a thief in the court,"Are you not ashamed to come to the court almost every month?"

The thief replied,"What about you? You should be ashamed sir,you come here every day!"

A Hasty Interruption

The end furniture store where I work, has in the economy since the 1920s. Recently, I received a call from a woman who wanted some chairs Dining Set purchased from us in the 1930s. I have ensured that we could help and assistance of the Office Manager. "They never believe that a" 'I said. "I come from a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s."

Before I could repeat the end of his request, he interrupted and said: "Do not tell me it has not yet received!"

Endearing terms

Bernie was invited to the house of his friend for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request submitted to his wife by endearing words permanent Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie Morris examined and noted, "It's really good that after all these years that you have been connected, and stay with your wife, the pet name. "Morris hung his head and muttered:" To tell the truth, I have his name three years ago. "

The difference

A boy asks his dad the difference between confident and confidential.

Dad says."You are my son,I'm confident.Your friend is also my son,that's confidential!"

True blonde

A young brunette is in the office of the doctor and says that his body hurt, wherever they touched. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

It takes his finger and push and screams of pain. You jauchzte and his knee, and ankle jauchzte and so on, anywhere, it is a crisis is squawk. The doctor said: "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says: "No, I am a blonde." I thought, "he says." Your finger is broken. "

3 Sick Soldiers

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes back to one private and asked, "What is your problem, Sol dier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you marketing,"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir! "
" What is your ambition? "
" To return to the front lines, Sir! "
" Goodman! "said the Major. He goes to the next bed." What is your problem, Sol dier, "
" Chronic piles, Sir! "
" What treatment are you marketing, "
" Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Mr "
" What 's your ambition? "" To return to the front lines, Sir! "
" Goodman! "said the Major. He goes to the next bed." What is your problem, Sol dier? "
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you marketing,"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day , Sir! "
" What 's your ambition? "
" To go to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two, Sir! "

Do you Want to know the woman's 32 secret?(2)

17.Women are paid less than men,except for one field:Modeling.

18.Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility.

19.Women do not know anything about cars,even if they drive car themselves.

20.Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.

21.Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

22.Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girl friend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

23. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

24.Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question,"How do I look?"

25."Oh,nothing,"has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

26.All women will say that they are over weight, but don't agree with them about it.

27.Only women understand the need for "guest towels" and the "good china".

28.Women want equal centers, but you rarely hear them clamoring to cover the responsibilities that go with those centers.

29.Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

30.Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guydespiteclaims to the contrary.

31.Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men;women will always catch menc hecking out other women.

32.The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.

(End)

Do you Want to know the woman's 32 secret?(1)

1.Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

2.Women especially love a bargain.

3.Women love to shop. It is the only area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

4.Women will always ask questions that have no center answers,in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

5.Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

6.Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.

7.Women hate bugs. Even the strong -willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

8.Women can't keep secrets.

9.Women always go to public rest rooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

10.Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing.

11.Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

12.Women think all beer is the same.

13.Women keep three different shampoos in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

14.Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

15. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice;if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 out fits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

16.Women brush their hair before bed.

Next to continue...

Bad news and good news

An artist asked the gallery when he had an interest in his paintings is currently on the screen. "I have good news and bad news," replied the owner. "The good news is that a gentleman asked about your work and wondered if the amount after death. If I said to him, he would, he bought all fifteen of your photos."

"It's wonderful!" the artist said: "What is the bad news?". With concern, the gallery said, "The man was your doctor."

Poisonous snakes

A father and son snake are not a beautiful afternoon Slither. The son asks, "Dad, are we poisonous snakes?" The father replies proudly: "Yes, son, we rattler snakes! Why ask my son?" "Because DAD, I bit my tongue!"

It worked

Tom had this problem until late in the morning and was always late for work. Its leader was angry against him, and threatened to dismiss him if it does not do something. Thus, Tom to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him, her, before going to bed. Tom slept well, and indeed, the alarm signal in the morning. He had a breakfast and joy at work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill actually works!"

"All is well," said the chief, "But where were you yesterday?"

Want a day off

Smith, to see his supervisor in the Front Office. "Boss," he says, "we are doing some serious house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to the attic and the garage, move and drag stuff." "We are the hands, Smith" the boss replies. "I can not give you the date from." "Thank you boss," says Smith: "I knew I could!"

Parking Expenses

A businessman entered a bank in New York City and asked the loan officer. He said he went to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $ 5000. The loan officer at the bank would need a security for a loan. The businessman then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. All verified and accepted the loan officer of the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked there.

Two weeks later, a businessman refunded the 5000 $ and the interest shown at $ 15.41. Agent stated: "We thank you for your business and this has worked very well, but we are a little perplexed. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multi millionaire. What a headache is the reason why we 5000 $ borrow trouble? "

The businessman replied: "Who else in New York can I park my car for 2 weeks for $ 15?"

500-year-old statue

Museum administrator:That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken.

John:Thank God! I thought it was a new one.

Who Should be Given the Present?

A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present.
"Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?" he inquired.
There was silence and then a chorus of voices: "You play with it, Daddy!"

The Wrong Email

A Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREAST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
　　P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

man and woman

Wife:You tell a man something,and then it will go in one ear and come out of the other.

Husband:You tell a woman something,and then it will go in both ears and come out of the mouth.

Renounces the engagement

A: "Why do you need to compose in reply a Mr. Zhang dissolution of engagement "?

Second: But "yesterday we went to practise physiognomy , that the fortune-teller criticizes me was able to give birth to two children, criticizing him but may grow four. You think about. He has been two children more , whom to have been unprocessed with"?

Doctor and patient's dialog

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

I can't read

A man was having his eyes tested at the optician's office.The optician asked him to point to a test card.

"Can you read that?"

"No." said the man.

The optician moved the chart closer:"Now can you read it?"

"No." said the man.

The optician moved the chart even closer:"Surly you can read it now?"

"No," said the man."I can't read."

Dating for mother

When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he.

One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"

"Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.

"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"

Fishy Story

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwardthey're just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other. The phone rings, and because it's the woman's house,she reaches over and picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

She is speaking in a cheery voice. " Hello? Oh, hi! SO glad you　called. Really. That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks! Okay. Buh-bye."

She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, " that was my husband telling me what　a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

The Looney Bin

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Psychiatrist

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

New job

A salesman,tired of his job,gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later,a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well,"he replied,"the pay is good and the hours aren't bad,but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Get angry

Patient:Doctor,you must help me.I'm under such a lot of stress.I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor:Tell me about your problem.

Patient:Ijust did,stupid!

High technology

The high technology of one silicon grain computer company has got a not yet open secret formula confidentially , the boss just has handed it over being studied by four engineers who come to Germany , Japan , USA and Taiwanese respectively.

After having spent a week, the boss calls together for report the what one has learned from work studying coming them.

The Germany engineer the first says first: "My already clear .know about entire frame, that the ability proper motion exploitation with our company responds to is not a problem ".

The Japan engineer proceed to report: "I have written down the boss Fu solemnly , have studied entire design carefully , have discovered the thing having quite a few not bad plagiarize, add in our formula , believe in to the company help that can have a maximum if giving reform again".

The USA engineer says then with a look of disinclination: "I have a good news and a bad news , good news is that I break the password protection having untied the entire key technology. Bad news be but have also destroyed entire formula ".

The boss hears a word being greatly frightened: "How-To! This formula only have a portion!

Think that everybody is all racking one's brains when the field tentative plan rescues way , see that the Taiwan engineer still makes the waste land talk composing self angry laughing at only freely, boss just ask his road of solving for advice.

The Taiwan engineer says very calmly: It's all right that "this! I make it for a long time having become the large benefit note , you want to have several set several set right away".

Advertising fee

Have one married woman arrive at the newspaper office advertising department, essential points presses a segment of obituary culture down , she criticizes a husband having just died.

Which one kind of obituary culture do "you need to press down? The adman asks about.

"Do what you like well ". The red eye replies a married woman.

Be in version 5 "then with regard to publication. The adman suggests saying: "We are according to charge for inch, 5 yuan per inch".

"My God, is that to need to cost a large sum of money wouldn't it"? The married woman be shocked at the field saying "my husband has growing 6 chis 5 inches!

Passenger

Passenger having shortsightedness, when roaming about on the river bank , the character seeing that central authority erects a piece of brand , unfortunate centre is unable to see clearly.

Curious he, is forced to take off a shoes , one fishes for be written on idea brand what actually happened in paddling to the river:

We Need Eggs

A man runs to the doctor and says,"Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks,"How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years,"says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"asked the doctor.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies,"We needed the eggs."

Honesty

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he' dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile,We better throw this one out too then,
because it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

I work for 7up

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins."

The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers."

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.

They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

Only cash and credit cards

　 When a man called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depend on room size and number of people.

　 " Do you take children?" the man asked.

　 "No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."

A Smart Housewife

Astute one housewife listens to person say the coal having one kind of furnace to use being able to compete with each other in the furnace province halves that she uses now.

That she has listened to is extremely excited , says: "That That good! Can a furnace save the halves coal , being not able to coal be all saved down right away then if I buy two furnaces ?

Anniversary

A married couple goes out to eat celebrate fifty anniversary get married souvenir of them.

In the Go home on the way, she pays attention to arriving at him being containing a tear in self's eyes , ask him that if is sad thereupon they celebrate 50 together happy times.

His answer says: "No, my days in thinking that we are premarital. Your father uses gun to bully I , speak if I do not marry you, he is able to send me to enter a jail crouching 50 ".

Stopover

I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices.

"Airfare to Denver is $300," the cheery salesperson replied. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake -- $99," she said. "But there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"In Denver," she said.

Very stupid robbers

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?

　　Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor? " "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

　　"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
　　
"Thanks be to..."

　　Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

　　"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

The best answer

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

Talking clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

The Bait

A man and his wife were on a holiday.Theywent for a sail. Unfortunately the wife fell overboard and was drowned. The man asked the pier-master to let him know if her body was found.

Two weeks later he received a wire saying: "Body recovered yesterday covered with crabs. Send instructions." The man sent a wire back saying, "Sell crabs, send the money; reset bait."