Make Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

##CONTINUE##"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Fall in Love

Girl, Please Fall in Love with Me
After the self-study class at night, I opened the computer. I sorted out the male net friends to the Frog Concentration Camp and several unlovely girls I’ve seen to the Dinosaur Concentration Camp. Then I began chatting with the three girls left.
Me: Honey, let’s fall in love!
Talented girl: OK. Are you a Party member?
Me: No, I’m not.
Talented girl: Are you a League member?
Me: Well, no.
Talented girl: Well, are you a member of China Young Pioneers?
Me: I used to be one many years ago. But why do you bother asking such questions?
Talented girl: Then I can’t promise you. At all events, I’m the team leader of our class.

##CONTINUE##Recalling the painful experience, I still have two girls to chat with.
Me: Girl, let’s fall in love!
Lonely girl: Good. After all, I can fall in love.
Me: Well, didn’t you love someone before?
Lonely girl: No. They always said I was a dinosaur.
Me: Umm, in this case, we’d better break up at the moment.
Lonely girl: No, I don’t agree. It’s my first love…
Now the last girl left, I would especially cherish her.
Me: Girl, don’t you want to fall in love with me?
Jiaojiao: I think it’s OK, but I’d like to ask for my father’s advice.
Me: My God! You asked your father this kind of thing? You surely don’t have your own definite idea!
Jiaojiao: It’s not like that. I am just 5 years old and haven’t learnt to type. It is my father who types for me.
Me: …
Then I said: Hello, uncle.

An Energetic Wife

Neighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?

Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.

Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?

Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat.

A perfect son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son.How old is he ?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.


A Smart Housewife

A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning.
She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"

Do You Know me?

Boy: Isn't the principal a dummy?
Girl: Say, do you know who I am?
Boy: No.
Girl: I'm the principal's daughter.
Boy: And do you know who I am?
Girl: No.
Boy: Thanks goodness.

Something Really Cheap

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?", he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

"That's a bit much", said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit", Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

##CONTINUE##"What I mean", said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

We Left Nothing

Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING."

When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:


Keys? Kiss?

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the keys." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. ##CONTINUE##Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the keys." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.

Lucky Mother

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.

##CONTINUE##Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"

Present for Girlfriend

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.

##CONTINUE##The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it 'To my one and only love'. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."

Beyond Tolerance

The doorbell rang and Mrs. Carson opened the front door. Her heart sank when she saw Mrs. Burbidge. Whenever Mrs. Burbidge called, she stayed for hours and hours.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Carson," Mrs. Burbidge said, "I was just passing, and I thought I'd drop in to say hello."
"How very thoughtful of you," Mrs. Carson replied. "Do come in."
Just as Mrs. Carson had feared, Mrs. Burbidge stayed for several hours. It was nearly six o'clock, and Mr. Carson would be home from work soon. He couldn't stand Mrs. Burbidge. So Mrs. Carson kept wondering how she could persuade Mrs. Burbidge to leave without offending her.
##CONTINUE##"Has your husband come home from work yet?" Mrs. Carson asked.
"Oh, yes," Mrs. Burbidge answered. "He always gets home about five o'clock."
"It's nearly six o'clock. Won't he be getting worried about you?" Mrs. Carson said.
"I thought of that," Mrs. Burbidge said, "but it's so pleasant here. We've had such a lovely afternoon. You know what I'll do? I'll ring up my husband and tell him to come here, too. May I use your phone please?"


A Problem in Arithmetic

Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.
One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.
"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.
"Six for five cents."
"But I don't want six apples."
"How many apples do you want?"
"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic."
"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.
##CONTINUE##"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."
Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.

How a chick gets in to its eggs

One day, a teacher took his pupils to a chicken farm to pay a visit. When they came near the incubator, chick just got out of its egg shell.

"It's wonderful to see a little thing come out from the egg shell, isn't it?" the teacher said.

##CONTINUE##"Yes, sir." said one of the boys, " but it would be more wonderful if we knew how a chick gets in to its eggs hell before hand."

Alligator shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
##CONTINUE##The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Bush and Rice

Conversation Between Bush and Rice
BACKGROUND: Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Let's hear it.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
##CONTINUE##George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinese!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: Call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Condi: Kofi?
George: All right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.


The World's Greatest Swordsman

At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.

##CONTINUE##His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."

Quick Reaction

My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly. During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see that hill over there?"

##CONTINUE##"Yes, sir." he replied.

"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?" Again, the soldier said that he could. "Well, then," the commander went on, "Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?"

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted. "No, sir," he said, "but I can hear it is singing."

He got the job.

How Did You Ever Get Here

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

##CONTINUE##The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

An Old Couple's Quarrel

A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."

"I'm willing," said the other.

##CONTINUE##"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."

"I'll be there."

"And I'll law the hell!"

"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.


Charge for Bread and Butter

For bread and butter
A few years ago, my father, a lawyer, took me to a fancy restaurant now in York City. When the bill, it was $ 1.50 for the bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the cost of bread and butter. But the next day he sent a letter to the restaurant, that the indictment was inappropriate. Enclosed in an envelope is a bill of $ 500 in legal services.

##CONTINUE##Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."

Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."
The $1.50 was returned without delay.

Roses for My Wife

On the way home one night, I spotted some freshly cut roses outside a flower shop. After selection of a dozen, and enter the shop, I was of a young saleswoman.

"Are these for your wife, sir?" she asked.
"Yes," I said.
##CONTINUE##"For her birthday?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"For your unniversary?"
"No," I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, "I hope she forgives you."


Napoleon Was Ill

Jack was at university to study history, but at the end of its first year of her history teacher is not in its investigation, and he said he would have to leave the university. But his father decided he was going to go see the professor for the urge to let Jack continue his studies next year.

"He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."

##CONTINUE##"No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!"

"Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."

About Three Whistles

I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray.

##CONTINUE##"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."

Acting Like a Lady

One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.

##CONTINUE##"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"
"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."


Three Surgeons

Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist." "That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."

"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the
##CONTINUE##scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."